OCCUPATIONAL HABITS!

The kind of work a person does often becomes an occupational habit and carries over into his spare time.

A television panelist on a guessing show gets in the habit of thinking on his seat. Ask him a question away from the program and the character usually has to sit down before he can answer.

A banker goes home and if his wife wants household money, he may demand that his poor spouse pony up collateral or arrange a co-signer for a loan.

Ask an airline stewardess if she'd like to see a good show...she'll possibly suggest the two of you reserve seats on a certain cross-country flight that's playing a first-run movie. And speaking of movies, a leading man, always thinking of his public, is likely to have an x-ray photo of his teeth retouched before showing it to his dentist.

Opera singers get accustomed to appearing in parts where, after they get stabbed, they sing instead of bleeding. Now, not so long ago, an operatic tenor was mugged in the city park at midnight. As he was being beaten around the head and shoulders, he burst into an aria from Pagliacci. In this particular instance, his occupational habit saved him. His singing chased the robber away, just as it had run the audience out of the theatre earlier in the evening.

I know of a weather forecaster whose job has him in such a state of indecision that he never leaves home without wearing a raincoat and sunglasses.

There's a bowling alley operator who claims that the only thing he can hear is a pin drop. And we have the word of a well-known bad-check passer. This silly kook wrote a book on forgery that became a best seller. But, like always, the crazy character signed somebody else's name on it.

A laundryman goes home and rips buttons off his own shirts.

A parking lot attendant forgets himself when he drives his own car. He'll race the motor 70 MPH, slam it into reverse and strip his own gears.

When a big league baseball player gets in a bad slump and has to do a television commercial, chances are he'll take a swipe at his face and miss. You can't escape from those habits of work that grab you - even when you're on your own time. Take me, for example. Comes the weekend, I keep running around the neighborhood emptying people's garbage cans! ...here's another one:

APPLICATION BLANKS!

Sooner or later, for one reason or another, we're all required to fill out application blanks, and the questions on those blankety blanks are guaranteed to put blank expressions on our faces and foolish answers on the paper.

On a questionnaire in the space following: "Whom you wish notified in case of injury", someone carefully printed: "The nearest doctor."

As to the state she'd prefer to live in, a bachelor girl wrote: "The state of matrimony."

Under "Remarks", a puzzled job-seeker scrawled, "Are salary raises automatic here, or do you have to work for them?"

Typical of knothead answers that personnel managers stare at is this one: (question) "Do you drink intoxicating beverages?" (answer) "Is this an inquiry or an invitation?"

The application blank for a new driver's license carries the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" One applicant answered: "No". The next question was: "State why." So the applicant scribbled: "Never been caught."

An applicant for work in a pickle factory read a question on the Job Form which asked: "What machines can you operate?" The confused fellow studied the query for a long, long time, scratched his head and then wrote: "Slot and pinball."

In the office of a loan company, a man named Coots recently handed in his completed form in hopes of borrowing some cash. "This application seems in good order," mumbled the money lender, "except for one small item. Where it asks the relationship of Mrs. Coots to yourself, you should have put 'wife', not 'strained'!" Which brings us to the interesting case of the draftee who was being examined by an Army psychiatrist after he had filled out many GI forms. As his occupation, the selectee had written "gag writer". "Funny man, hey?" grinned the wig-picker. "Let's see you invent a joke." The draftee quickly got to his feet and moved to the door. Glancing at the long line of men, he said loudly, "All you guys can go home now. The job's taken!"

The next time you fill out an application blank, there's one good rule to follow: If unsure, leave the space blank. No doubt this will match your facial expression!