FORECAST: The weather and children run true to form: You can expect a lull before
the storm (Jan.12, 1993)
SIMPLE EVOLUTION - At the dawn of time, a prehistoric idea-man hopped happily
about because he had invented a large thing that rolled. In later years, his ancestors
called it a wheel. Not one of those ancients ever dreamed that someday everyone
in the business or professional world would want to be a big one. (5/24/94)
Drive-in banks give cars a chance to see what their real owners look like. (5/31/94)
The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists. (6/14/94)
History repeats itself, but the script is always rewritten. (6/28/94)
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed
to "Until debt do us part". (6/28/94)
People who say, "Anything is possible " have never tried to complain to a recorded
announcement. (7/5/94)
Technical geniuses build electronic devices to last for 30 years, but immediately
invent new things that make them obsolete in two. (7/12/94)
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk
to reach a high shelf. (7/19/94)
When it comes to trade relations, lots of people would like to trade theirs. (7/26/94)
One trouble with being unemployed is that the moment you wake up each day you're
on the job. (8/16/94 )
The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends they're
always buying something we can't afford. (9/27/94 )
The sight of home looks best after you've traveled hundreds of miles to get away
from it. (10/4/94)
Cosmetics may improve on Mother Nature, but they can never fool Father Time. (11/15/94)
A law of science says you can't put more into a container than it will hold. Designer
jeans break that law every day. (11/22/94)
On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can
be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just
become a boat?. (11/29/94)
Sometimes when you're trying to get both ends to meet, somebody moves the ends.
(11/29/94)
These days a good conversationalist is anyone who can talk louder than the TV
and stereo. (12/6/94)
BRIEF ENCOUNTER - Following his annual physical, a man asked for the results.
His doctor said: "The examination revealed on important thing. You wear cute
polka-dot shorts." (1/24/95)
Our world has seen many different advances in communications, with satellites
and other technology, but the quickest is still the wink. (3/7/95)
Home is the place where you're treated best and complain most. (3/7/95)
Housework is something you do that nobody notices unless you haven't done it (3/28/95)
RING OF TRUTH: Alexander Graham Bell quit while he was ahead. He invented the
telephone. He didn't invent the busy signal. (4/11/95)
Television isn't getting worse, we're just getting more channels. (4/18/95)
"My grandfather was always into physical fitness," boasted the young
woman. "When he was 70 he started walking 10 miles a day. Now he's 88, and
we have no idea where he is." (4/18/95)
A polite person pretends he's never heard the story before. (5/2/95)
An expert is someone who is called in at the last minute to share the blame. (5/2/95)
An early bird has to get his own breakfast. (5/9/95)
Women have definitely changed through the years. Not so long ago, a housewife
had to make one stove, one bed, and one husband last a lifetime. (5/16/95)
Don't be awed by famous people. Remember, they once wore diapers, too. (5/30/95)
It takes a lot of things to show you're smart, but only one thing to prove you're
not. (6/13/95)
Progress is a continuing effort to make things as good as they used to be. (7/8/95)
Nobody's too fat - they're just too short. (8/1/95)
Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.
(8/22/95)
If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably
worth it. (9/19/95)
Success is the ability to get along with some people and ahead of others. (4/30/96)
Some of the longest hours of the day follow the question: "Have you got a
minute?" (6/18/96)
Your best friends are those who speak well of you behind your back (7/16/96)
A bore is someone who talks when you want to. (7/30/96)
The RX Factor: "Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand
on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now? "That's
because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor. (8/13/96)
Rx Recipe: "Do you say prayers before meals?" a minister asked the small
boy. "No sir, I don't need to," replied the lad. My mother is a good
cook." (8/20/96)
The typical family meal offers two choices - take it or leave it. (9/10/96 issue)
The best way to get a landlord to paint an apartment is to move out. (10/8/96)
Money talks, but it seldom gives itself away. (10/15/96)
Facts don't disappear just because they're ignored. (11/5/96)
Whoever said, "Talk is cheap." never heard children tell what they want
for Christmas. (11/24/96)
SECOND OPINION... "You have only one week to live, old fellow," said
the doctor. "Is there anyone you'd like to see?""Yes!" cried
the patient. "Another doctor!" (11/26/96)
Sometimes it cost more to do nothing than to do something. (12/31/96)
Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.
(1/28/97)
Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it's letting go. (2/25/97)
Why is it that the first driver to see the light turn green is in the car behind
you? (3/11/97)
A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of
flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet. (3/11/97)
Why is it you can always read the doctor's bill and you can never read the prescription?
(4/8/97)
Economy gives you the biggest size in toothpaste and the smallest seat on an airplane.
(4/29/97)
ONE BAD TURN - The Sunday School teacher explained to a Bible class how Lot's
wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. A young boy raised
his hand and said: "My mother looked back when she was driving and turned
into a
fire hydrant." (4/15/97)
Life used to be very difficult. People actually had to walk all the way across
a room to change the TV channel. (4/22/97)
Take good care of yourself. You'll find it hard to get a replacement. (4/29/97)
You can make an easy job seem hard if you keep putting off doing it (5/27/97)
A parking space is easy to find. Just drive around the block three times, put
the vehicle in a pay garage, take another look, and there it is! (6/17/97)
After you make your mark in the world, watch out for the people with erasers.
(7/1/97)
A computer can beat a champion at chess, but a human being has to plug it in first.
(7/15/97)
Save a penny here, a dime there and a couple of nickels and pretty soon you'll
have enough to buy a postage stamp. (7/22/97)
Nobody can quote you if you keep quiet. (7/29/97)
Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get
for 5 dollars when you had hair (9/2/97)
In years gone by people actually believed that foolish spending stopped when one
ran out of money (10/28/97 )
Wheeler Dealer... "This kind of car pays for itself," the fast-talking
salesman told the prospect. "Great!" replied the prospect. "As
soon as it does, drive it over." (1/20/98)
These are the good old days you're going to miss in 2018. (1/20/98)
The best man? ... A little girl, sitting in church at a wedding, suddenly said:
"Mom, why did the lady change her mind?" "What do you mean"
the mother asked. "Just look," said the child. "She went up the
aisle with one man and came back with another." (1/20/98)
The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor. (3/17/98)
A retired senior citizen confided to a golfing buddy: "My wife got rid of
our old vacuum cleaner because it didn't work. Then she got rid of our old TV
set because it didn't work. Now I'm worried." "Why worry?" asked
his friend. "Well, lately she's been looking at me kind of funny." (3/24/98)
Smart people speak from experience - smarter people, from experience, don't speak.
(5/26/98)
Things that used to cost $10 to buy, now cost $50 to repair. (5/26/98)
A big mistake is to keep worrying that you'll make one (5/26/98)
If bankers are so good at computing, why do they have eight windows and only two
tellers? (6/9/98)
Fashions come and fashions go, but pockets are usually the same. There's little
change in them.(6/23/98)
If you can't keep secrets, you can't keep friends. (7/7/98)
A laugh at your own expense costs nothing (7/28/98)
Trouble usually starts out being fun. (9/8/98)
Many people are always in debt because they can't do without things they don't
need (9/l5/98)
You get an education when you read the small print. You get a shock when you don't.
(11/3/98)
'The good old days were the ones when your ambition was to earn the salary you
can't live on now.(11/17/98)
When a husband says, "I run things in my home" he may mean the washing machine,
the dishwasher and the vacuum cleaner (11/24/98)
To stay youthful, stay useful. (1/12/99)
People who can take it or leave it, usually take it. (2/23/99)
Never judge a book by a movie of the same name.(3/3/99)
Never stop trying to succeed. It's always the last key that opens the lock. (4/6/99)
Too much of a good thing can be terrific. (4/6/99)
Education is a wonderful thing - if you couldn't sign your name you'd have to
pay cash (4/6/99)
Believe in yourself - but don't be too easily convinced. (3/16/99)
The first thing a young woman learns on a new job is which men around the place
are still single.(4/13/99)
The wisest answer is sometimes silence (4/27/99)
Computers are fantastic. In an instant, one of them can make a mistake so awesome
it would take human beings many weeks to equal it. (5/4/99)
A long answer can evade a short question.(6/8/99)
To err is human, but if the eraser wears out before the pencil you're overdoing
it.(6/l5/99)
The problems of the world have become so complex even bartenders don't have the
answer (6/22/99)
If you want money, go to strangers; if you want advice, go to friends; if you
want nothing, go to relatives. (August 10, l999)
Tomorrow is the longest day of the week, judging from all the things we are going
to do then (August 10, l999)
If everything in the world was perfect, there wouldn't be anything for us to do
(November 23, 1999)
Some politicians can speak for hours on any subject; others don't even need a
subject. (November 30, 1999)
Nothing lasts longer than something you don't like. (December 26, 1999)
Many fail because their wishbones are where their backbones ought to be. (June
27, 2000)
It's the person who has done nothing who is sure nothing can be done.(January
23rd, 2001)
To see yourself as others see you, look closely at your driver's license. (April
24, 2001)
An elephant never forgets - but, after all, what has he got to remember? - (May
8, 2001 )
