The Sun

ARTIST' S MODEL: Attireless worker. (Nov. 10 ,1998)

A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime." (Nov. 3,1998 SUN's Joke of the Week)

The high school class, taking an examination on world history, was asked the question: 'Name two ancient sports.' The answer on one paper was, "Anthony and Cleopatra". (Dec.29, 1998)

A woman walked into her husband's office to find him kissing his secretary. Quick as a flash, he shouted, "Make two Xerox copies of that...and send one to my wife." ( January 1999 SUN's Joke of the week )

"Please" opens more doors than keys. (Jan.1999)

In ancient times, there were no such things as birth certificates. Just being alive was enough. (Jan.5th, 1999)

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day (Jan.12,1999)

An angry man rushed out of a movie theater and stormed up to the cashier. Pulling out a handgun, he shouted: "This picture stinks. I want everybody's money back!" (Jan.19, 1999)

Men sit for hours in cocktail bars for one of two reasons: either they have no wife to go home to - or they do (2/9/99)

ARTIST'S MODEL: someone who makes a bare living. (2/9/99)

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar (March 16,1999)

The person you think is a good listener may be thinking about something else." (March 1999)

Drivers are safer when roads are dry - roads are safer when drivers are dry. ( March 23, 1999)

The older generation thinks nothing of getting up at six in the morning - and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either." (March 30, 1999)

Fattening foods are dangerous - you can be struck by a car in the fast-food parking lot. ( 4/6/99)

Radio talk shows can be a source of ear--i-tation (4/6/99)

OUCH! When asked by a historian what the Indians called America before the white man came, a Sioux chief replied: 'Ours.' " (4/20/99)

Lots of men don't need to bring the boss home to dinner - she's already there.(4/27/99)

This year's swim suits are 'real cool' because most of them are 'real gone'. (4/27/99)

Money can't buy health, but it can put your doctor in a $65,000 automobile.(5/4/99)

VACATION: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.(5/4/99)

Life can be grim when you pass 80, especially if there's a police car behind you.(5/ll/99)

Anyone who eats like a bird and drinks like a fish usually acts like an ass.(5/ll/99)

Parents want kids to have things they didn't have as children - like all As on their report cards.(5/ll/99)

A woman admires a man who stands on his own two feet, especially on a crowded bus.(5/ll/99)

Driving is like baseball - it's the number of times you reach home safely that counts (5/l8/99)

At last kids realize that money doesn't grow on trees. It comes out of automatic teller machines. (5/l8/99)

Those who have to eat their own words never ask for a second helping.(5/25/99)

Many retired people live on a fixed income - fix the TV, fix the car, fix the toilet, fix the ...(5/25/99)

Computers are like bikinis - they save people a lot of guesswork.(5/25/99)

It's called 'middle age' because the years begin to show around the middle.(5/25/99)

Nature seems determined to make us work; the less hair we have to comb, the more face we have to wash.(5/25/99)

Summer is the season when there's not much on television ... or on people at the beach. (5/25/99)

A woman can put on a jogging suit and not go jogging, a bikini and not go swimming. But when she puts on a wedding dress, she means business. (July 6th.99)

Millions of people are working a three-day week. The trouble is, it takes them five days to do it.(July 6th.99)

Old age is always 20 years older than you are.(July 6th.99)

History does repeat itself the first of every month - that's when the bills come in.(July 6th.99)

I have my husband eating out of my hand," boasts the young bride. Her friend smiles. "It beats doing the dishes, doesn't it?" "Wall street's most dangerous animal isn't a bull or beat - it's a bum steer.(July 6th.99)

People who try drown their troubles never use water.(July 6th.99)

Sooner or later, speed maniacs are overtaken by state troopers or undertaken by morticians.(July 6th.99)

Kids seldom misquote you, especially when they repeat what you shouldn't have said. (July 6th.99)

Scientists say you can't put more into a container than it'll hold. But they obviously haven't seen pudgy people in skin-right designer jeans. (July 6th.99)

The only book that tells you where to go on your vacation is your checkbook.(July 6th.99)

In today's world a person can live to a gripe old age. (July 6th.99)

More money is spent on alcoholic beverages than on education, but you can learn a lot at cocktail parties. (July 6th.99)

When you're angry, take a lesson from space exploration ... always count down before blasting off. (July 20th.99)

TV will no doubt decrease the amount of sex and violence by increasing the number of commercials. (July 20th.99)

Traveling on freeways at night is like Russian roulette - you never know which drivers are loaded. (July 20th.99)

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.(July 27th.99)

Birds have bills too - but they keep on singing." (July 27th.99)

Political jokes aren't always funny ... too many of them get elected." (July 27th.99)

The honeymoon is over when all the baby talk at home is done by ... a baby!(July 27th.99)

You've had too much to drink when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it. (July 27th.99)

If you ever wonder why grocery bills are so high, stand sideways ... and look at yourself in the mirror! (July 27th.99)

Government not only does lots of buck passing, it does lots of buck keeping too! (July 27th.99)

Sports stars are paid salaries that put them in the 'haul of fame'. (July 27th.99)

Take home pay has to be taken home, but bills always know the way.(July 27th.99)

Whoever said money can't buy happiness just didn't know where to shop.(July 27th.99)

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.(July 27th.99)

It's better to ask dumb questions than to make dumb mistakes. (July 27th.99)

A person who is head and shoulder above the rest is sure to sit in front of you in the movie theater.(Aug.3rd.99)

Why argue with anyone? Remember, other people have the right to their own stupid opinions.(Aug.3rd.99)

Visitors always give pleasure - some when they come, others when they go.(Aug.3rd.99)

Think no evil, see no evil, hear no evil - and you're not watching popular soap operas.(Aug.3rd.99)

War doesn't determine who's right... only who's left. (Aug.17,99)

A budget allows you to pay as you go - as long as you don't go very far.(Aug.17,99)

A careful driver is one who sees the driver ahead get caught.(Aug.17,99)

Money can't buy happiness. But then again, happiness can't buy groceries.(Aug.17,99)

A good thing to give someone who has everything is a calendar... to show when the payments come due.(Aug.17,99)

It's amazing how many things a shopper would rather have than money.(Aug.17,99)

Science has made everything wrinkle resistant... except people.(Aug.17,99)

Some people with horrible coughs go to the doctors, but most of them go to the movies (Aug.24th.99)

The cost of living remains the same... all the money you've got!(Aug.24th.99)

Confidence is keeping your chin up; overconfidence is sticking your neck out.(Aug.24th.99)

Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but with young kids it is next to impossible.(Aug.24th.99)

Those who live it up at night, often have to live it down in the morning.(Aug.31st.99)

Nothing in the world can replace the modern thong swimsuit, and it practically has.(Aug.31st.99)

If all the college students who slept in class were placed end to end.. they would be much more comfortable.(Aug.31st.99)

Cosmetics keep people from reading between the lines (Sept.7,99)

Talk about others and you're a gossip; talk about yourself and you're a bore. (Sept.7,99)

Do employees at a tea company take coffee breaks? (Sept.7,99)

A Baby makes parents realize that it's a changing world! (Sept.7,99)

A swelled head contains plenty of room for improvement. (Sept.7,99)

A compliment can be a matter of fact - or a matter of tack. (Sept.7,99)

You never realize how short a month is until you max out your credit cards. (Sept.7,99)

Don't drink that one for the road... unless you want a police car for a chaser. (Sept.7,99)

The only indispensable people in history were Adam and Eve (Sept.7,99)

Life is a game of cards - postcards, greeting cards and credit cards. (9/14/99)

Famous people who speak no evil, see no evil and hear no evil will never have a best-selling autobiography (9/14/99)

The human mind is like a TV schedule - subject to change without notice. (9/14/99)

The best thing for a person on a diet to eat is... less (9/14/99)

If you're average, it means you're as close to the top as you are to the bottom. (9/14/99)

Eve was the first person to say she didn't have a thing to wear - and mean it. (9/14/99)

Short skirts make women look shorter - and they make men look longer. (9/21/99)

Election time is when new candidates come around to tell us how stupid we were to vote for the winners last time. (9/21/99)

If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles, you'd have a problem sitting down. (9/21/99)

Life is just one foolish thing after another, and love is just two foolish things after each other. (9/21/99)

The quickest conversation stopper is the sudden entrance of the person being talked about. (9/28/99)

Knowing what to say helps a little; knowing what not to say helps a lot. (9/28/99)

Thousands of nuts hold a car together, but just one behind the wheel can scatter it all over the road. (10/5/99)

Young people think nothing of jogging five miles every morning, and older people don't think much of it either. (10/5/99)

What will today's kids tell their children they had to do without? (10/5/99)

Many couples labor at four jobs in order to pay for all their labor-saving appliances. (10/5/99)

When you do a kind deed, forget it; when you receive one, remember it. (10/5/99)

When you need advice, everyone is ready to help you; when you need help, everyone is ready to advise you. (10/5/99)

Better to be "in the groove" than "in a rut". (10/19/99)

There's no place like home - after the other places close! (10/19/99)

A political candidate needs four hats: One to cover his head, one to throw in the ring, a third to pass around for contributions, and, finally, one to talk through. (10/19/99)

Nothing improves your driving like being followed by a police car. (10/19/99)

A gossip's greatest fear is having no friends to speak of. (10/19/99)

You can tell how healthy you are by what you take two at a time - stairs or pills. (10/26/99)

Marriage is like a game of cards. It starts with a pair. He shows a diamond. She shows a flush. After a shuffle, they end up with a full house. (10/26/99)

There's one thing more brutal than a football game - and that's the price of the tickets. (10/26/99)

Years ago movie actresses played parts - now they reveal them. (10/26/99)

You're in poor physical shape when weight lifting consists of standing up. (10/26/99)

Even a turtle never gets anywhere unless it sticks its neck out. (10/26/99)

The more political speeches you hear, the more you realize why this country is called "The land of promise". (11/2/99)

Human beings fall into three different classes: he beautiful, the brilliant...and the rest of us. (11/9/99)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're the perfect guest for a TV talk show. (11/9/99)

To a dog, you're family; to a cat you're staff! (11/9/99)

Man first made automation necessary, now automation makes man unnecessary. (11/23/99)

If you want to soar like an eagle... avoid running around with turkeys. (11/23/99)

There are three types of buyers: the haves, the have-nots, and the charge-its. (11/23/99)

Teen talk is mostly "idol gossip". (11/23/99)

Tomorrow is a great labor-saving device. (11/23/99)

Some people have a terrible memory - they never forget anything! (11/23/99)

You're a young old-timer if you remember when buttons were sewn, not pushed. (11/23/99)

The trouble with most crowed parties is that there's always room for one bore. (11/23/99)

Hollywood is a land of make believe. Actors make believe they're someone else, and then the movie is finished, the film company believes it's good. (11/23/99)

You put on weight in certain places - burger joints, pizza parlors, and donut shops, to name just a few! (11/23/99)

When a menu has practically everything on it, the restaurant should replace it with a clean one. (12/7/99)

Five minutes after the gifts are opened you have... Christmess! (12/7/99)

Since the coming of the cellular phone, we have more and more people phoning at the mouth. (12/7/99)

One way women keep men from reading between the lines is to use make-up. (12/7/99)

Whoever said "talk is cheap" never heard a child tell what he wants for Christmas. (12/7/99)

Christmas is the time of the year when everybody gets a little Santamental. (12/7/99)

A bore has noting to say... and says it! (12/7/99)

Cold cash makes life warmer! (12/7/99)

Young people are always ready to give older people he benefit of their inexperience. (12/21/99)

You'll never get dizzy doing good turns. (12/21/99)

There are three kinds of memory: Good, bad and convenient. (12/21/99)

A person can get caught in his own mouthtrap. (12/21/99)

Watching some TV shows makes you wish you had a lower IQ (12/21/99)

December 26 is the day we begin hearing the sound of Christmas bills.(12/21/99)

Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up.(12/21/99)

Jaywalking can leave you with that run down feeling. (12/28/99)

If you think kids don't know the value of money, try giving one a nickel. (12/28/99)

By the time the average person reaches 50, he's spent 17 years sleeping and another six eating! (12/28/99)

Friends are those who know all about you... and like you just the same. (12/28/99)

A first date is like taking a picture... you never know how it will turn out. (12/14/99)

A fool and his money are soon partying. (12/14/99)

Nothing is impossible.. except getting your name off a mailing list. (12/14/99)

Plastic surgeons can do almost anything with a person's nose, except keep it out of other people's business. (12/14/99)

When you get too big for your britches, your hat won't fit either. (12/14/99)

Fashions come and fashions go, but there's little change in men's pockets. (12/14/99)

Stop worrying about what kids will do when they growup... better see what they're doing now. (1/4/2000)

Three major traffic problems are... urban, suburban, and bourbon. (1/4/2000)

Early birds get the worm... and that parking space you wanted. (1/4/2000)

Poker is an expensive pastime-like any game in which we hold hands. (1/4/2000)

Good music is the kind we enjoyed when we were young. Bad music is the kind kids listen to today. (1/4/2000)

Two goats came upon a can of film in the alley behind a Hollywood movie studio. After one goat devoured the can and film, his companion asked, "How was it?" "Actually, said the first goat, "the book was better." (1/11/2000)

The secret to bookkeeping s to stop lending them to people. (1/11/2000)

If you can't do big things, do little things.. in a big way! (1/11/2000)

Sweaters accentuate the positive; girdles eliminate the negative. (1/11/2000)

A financial genius is someone who can pay the family's Christmas bills by July. (1/18/2000

All it takes to separate the men from the boys is.... girls! (1/18/2000

Nobody loses anything by being polite, but lots of people are afraid to take the risk. (1/25/2000)

Keeping up with the Jones's is bad.. passing them on a curve in the road is worse. (1/25/2000)