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The Spider That Saved Scotland

Sam Ewing (FATE Magazine, August 1990)

Robert the Bruce was crowned King of Scotland in 1306. He had hardly taken the crown when his military forces were attacked and overrun by the English. He was driven from the country into Ireland. Six times he and his army were routed. One day a year later, as the discouraged Scottish monarch lay on his bed in a secret refuge on Ratlin Island between Ireland and Scotland, he watched, fascinated, as a spider persistently tried to fix its web to a beam in the ceiling. The spider failed six times in succession. "Now the spider shall teach me what to do," said King Bruce, "for I also have failed six times." The spider made a seventh effort, and succeeded. Fired with a new determination, he left his hiding place, gathered 300 fighting men, and in a surprise midnight raid captured the English garrison in Turnberry Castle. He then built up an army and spent two years fighting until he made himself master of all Scotland. And all thanks to a spider who wouldn't give up.

 

Eliminate Acne With Mind Power

Sam Ewing (FATE Magazine, August 1993)

You can get rid of acne and other hated skin problems that have plagued teenagers, young adults and often older people for centuries, thanks to a super simple technique of concentration that uses the unlimited power of the human mind. Medication isn't necessary. Doctors have found that almost 80% of all skin problems result from emotional causes. Dermatologists told researchers (for the ABC-TV feature FYI) that regular self-induced relaxation and meditation helps where ointments and other therapy fails. What's more, some medications cause unpleasant side effects. Experiments in mind control conducted by Dr. Donald Wilson, a San Francisco physician (reported in his book Total Mind Power, Camero Publishing Company, 1976) reveals how tumors and other growths are made to disappear by using self-hypnosis to tap into parts of the brain that we don't normally use. Acne, an unsightly condition of zits, pimples and blackheads, is conventionally treated through vaccines or hormone therapy, ultra-violet radiation, x-rays, cortisone cream and dietary restrictions of rich and oily foods, such as peanuts and chocolate. No matter what therapy is followed, the skin disorder will probably persist, doctors say, unless you learn to relax. Mind power provides a step-by-step technique that anyone can practice to clear up acned skin within a short time. Dr. Wilson says, "The thrust of total mind power is to use it along with the best medical treatments. You'll have nothing to lose and much to gain." The doctor further explains, "Scientists say we use 10% or less of our mental capacity. We can enjoy better health by tapping into the other 90% of the brain." The simple steps to a healthy, unblemished skin are as follows: Make yourself comfortable and relaxed. Close your eyes, take deep breaths until you are in a semi-sleeplike state. Next, in your mind visualize your acne problems as clearly as possible. You can see that the skin eruptions have nerve cells. Direct your mind to send out anti-bodies to fight and destroy the acne cell. Visualize this action as if you were watching a video game. In your mind you see the acne shriveling, the pimples disappearing. It is a good idea to follow the mind power process once each day until your acne has completely disappeared. Dr. Wilson and other physicians who advocate the practice of mind power have enjoyed remarkable success in ridding patients of all sorts of skin disorders, including warts.

 

Liars Beware! You Can Tell When People Fib By Their Body Language

Sam Ewing (FATE Magazine July 1992)

You can tell when people are fibbing by watching their body movements closely. Hidden camera researchers say everyone unknowingly sends out clear signals that give them away. Professor Michael Cody, who conducts classes in non-verbal communication and persuasion at the University of Southern California, says that men and women telling lies give very brief answers, nod their heads the end of a lie, and rub their hands together or scratch their bodies. Cody says fibbers also pause often and fill their sentences with meaningless phrases such as "you know", "things like that", and "like I was saying". He says their lies are lacking in details. Most people who can't comfortably fib to you face-to-face are able to spin yarns fluently when talking on the telephone. World class poker experts, including the famous Amarillo Slim and Gave Kaplan, the star of TV's Welcome Home Cotter agree that professional poker players bluff only about 6% of the time so their opponents can't get a fix on any telltale body language associated with the high stakes maneuver. Both men and women cock their heads slightly to impress members of the opposite sex. They're sending out a signal that says, "what you're telling me is fascinating". Failure to do this indicates they're really not interested. Someone once wrote, "you can always tell when a pathological liar is telling the truth - his lips are not moving." Now the reverse is true. Modern science makes it possible to know who is telling the truth by paying close attention to other parts of the body.

 

Nightmares Can Kill You

by Sam Ewing (FATE Magazine, April 1997)

Studies at universities in Minnesota, Oregon, and elsewhere have found that a dream that causes panting and panic could be your last. Their experiments show that nightmares can be especially fatal to men in their thirties. (Women are better at coping with stress, say the scientists.) Further research has found that people of certain cultures, who believe that ghosts can kill the living while they sleep, are especially vulnerable. Everyone knows that movies and television can give some people nightmares. During sleep, the subconscious mind remembers scenes that could trigger deathly dreams. For example, you might dream that you're falling from a tall building, or jumping from an airplane without a parachute. You might be viciously attacked by an alien monster or a man-eating shark. You could dream that you're in a car accident or a plane crash, or that you've been buried alive. Sometimes a real-life experience is relived in sleep: It might be that narrow escape you had as a child, such as nearly being hit by a car or almost drowning. Your subconscious might also recall that snarling dog that advanced on you, or a frightening Halloween long ago. So-called dream laboratories around the world are constantly researching ways to help people who suffer from recurring nightmares. The Minnesota Regional Sleep Disorder Center studies 1,300 new patients each year. The baffling mysteries of dreams are also investigated at the Toronto Center For Sleep. Dr. Donald L. Wilson, a San Francisco physician and author of Total Mind Power, says that you can direct your dreams. He says you can succeed in changing negative or bad dreams into happy ones through self-hypnosis. When you lie down at bedtime, Dr. Wilson recommends, close your eyes and visualize pleasant scenes - a beautiful beach in summer, a field of gently waving wheat, or a balloon floating in the spring air. This technique promotes calm dreams and restful sleep. Sleep specialists agree that any person who suffers frequent nightmares - especially the same one over and over - should consult a counselor.

 

FOR GOOD LUCK AND GOOD HEALTH

Perhaps you've seen the character Carla spit for good luck and protection on the TV show "Cheers".

The practice of spitting for luck, health and protection has a long history.

(FATE Magazine, October 1991 - by Sam Ewing)

Spit for good luck and good health? That's the strange belief of millions of people around the world who insist that human saliva makes dreams come true.

* Baseball pitchers spit in full view of vast television audiences before they fire in fast balls.

* Laborers spit on their hands before tackling a tough job.

* Merchants spit on the ground to seal a bargain.

* Voodoo magicians in Haiti, Africa and the Louisiana bayou country spit on their little effigies "to give them life". From earliest times saliva is believed to have the magical power to cure wounds and to ward off evil. In the New Testament there are several passages which relate how Jesus used His saliva to heal the sick and bring back sight to the blind. Spittle served as a charm against black magic and was considered a potent antidote against every type of poison. Astonishing things about salivary myths have been learned through years of research by Dr. R. Brasch, a scholar in theology, philosophy and history, and an expert on the origins of superstitions and customs. In his book "How Did It Begin?", he said that ancient peoples regarded spittle as the liquid of the soul. To expectorate, the ancients believed, was making an offering to the gods, who, as a reward, would give protection to the spitter.

* In boxing events in ancient times, fighters spat on their hands, expecting that this would magically increase the strength of their blows.

* Ancient Romans and Greeks spat three times at the sight of an epileptic or madman to ward off the "Evil Eye".

* In the one-time kingdom of Hawaii, spittle was thought to work magic . For this reason, the King's spittoon-bearer was a high-ranking and extremely trusted nobleman, assigned the vital job of safeguarding the ruler's saliva. The belief in the magical power of spit continues into the 20th century:

* Actors spit before a show to inspire a better performance.

* Dancers spit into their ballet shoes.

* Gamblers spit on the money they wager to bring them good fortune.

* Bettors later spit on their winnings.

* It's common for Australian aborigines to spit whenever a dead man's name is mentioned.

* Members of secret societies mix spittle with dirt and oil and smear it on their foreheads to cure disease and act as a general prophylactic against sickness and evil of any kind. One wonders what myths about spitting will be believed and practiced in the 21st century, and beyond.

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* WALKIE TALKIE - (Laff Time magazine - early 1970s, by Sam Ewing) Walkie talkies make life miserable. I mean those human sound tracks, both male and female, who must get pretty tongue tired by the end of the day from all their yakking. Such blabbermouths run to definite types:

Flying Saucer Frank - He sees little green men even when he's sober. Among his many wild yarns he tells how a space ship once landed in downtown Los Angeles and a weird little creature got out and asked a pedestrian where the nearest men's room was.

Sick Sidney - the hypochondriac, is another character to steer clear of. Ask him "How are you?" and he'll tell you in 10,000 words or less. Sidney has the same effect on you as a wet holiday. He complains of his diseases for which there are no known cures, not even names. Actually, this schnook will never get sick. No germ could stand him.

Margie, The Movie Fan, goes to every motion picture in town. What's more, she reveals all their plots to everybody within earshot. With her larynx working like a pump handle, she tells how the climax of each movie left her speechless. Too bad they didn't! Surprise endings are Margie's specialty: "The hero is an astronaut, you see, on a rocketship halfway to Mars," she gushes. "All of a sudden he gets all shook by a question that paralyzes him with worry: Did he or didn't he tell the milkman back in Goose Falls to stop leaving his quart a day while he's out of town?"

Now take Joe, The Joker - please! Here's a kingsized pain in the eardrum who has a lousy story on his tongue 24-hours a day. This jerk of jerks opens every conversation with "Have you heard the one about..." And the punchlines of his foolish yarns are always greeted with bursts of silence. As a funnyman, this talkative egghead couldn't entertain a doubt. Yet he never stops trying. Naturally he thinks his material is out of this world. People who listen to him wish that he was. Typical of the joker's subject matter is a stink bomb such as "Have you heard the one about the turtle who fell in love with a German helmet?" Before you can escape his clammy clutches, he's pounding on your arm asking, "And didya hear about the teenage porcupine who walked into a cactus plant in the dark and cried out, 'Say, is that you, Dad?"

That unpleasant slob, Gomer, The Griper, is such a complaining creep it's surprising his own shadow will keep him company. He has a bad disposition with a tongue hung right in the middle of it. All day long it's grouse, grouse, grouse! When he finishes eating in a restaurant, a waiter would like to ask, "Was anything alright, sir?". To hear the Griper tell it, the whole world is against him. Come to think of it, maybe the world is.

As for Catty Patty, the female crab, the first thing she does each morning is brush her teeth and wind up her tongue. This babbling babe has a mouth like an alligator's: she's always ready to chew somebody up. In her constant gossip, Catty can always put two and two together - whether they were or not.

 

THREE GOLDEN BALLS AND HOW THEY GREW!

(Joker magazine - by Sam Ewing)

If you have ever found yourself with too much month left at the end of your money, you may have trotted your valuables to a friendly neighborhood pawnbroker and left them in his loving care in exchange for a few bucks to tide you over until payday. Chances are, you located the money lender by three golden balls hanging in front of his shop. Such balls have been the come-and-get-it symbol of the old-fashioned hockshop since the Middle Ages. Pawnbrokers have lived on the flat of the land, around the world, since the Medici family opened the first money-for-merchandise joint in Italy about 1300 A.D. The Medici boys were doctors - of a sort - and in those times three golden balls represented three gilded pills, which gullible folk thought cured everything from loose dandruff to the Jumping Virus. Alverdo de Medici's medical practice was lousy, inasmuch as he seldom cured a patient. Doc Medici knew he had to come up with a miracle drug, or better, to keep out of the poorhouse. "What's everybody sick of - besides me?" he asked himself, little expecting an answer. But a wee Italian voice whispered inside of him. "Money worries, man. No skins." The idea hit Alverdo like a vitamin shot after a three-day bender. He beat it to his brother's clinic where he outlined his plan. "We'll pool our moolah and lend it to the poor kooks on their proud possessions," he explained. "A couple of lira on a goat, half a dozen on a cow with big udders. If dough gets tight and they don't pick up the walking stock, we can always eat the merchandise." To the brothers this sounded like a winner, and it was. Thus, the first hock shop was born. Out of family pride, the Medicis put up three golden balls. Before you could say "Tapsville", the boys were thriving in trade and raking in the loot. Soon they were fat, rich and aristocratic. Naturally the pawnshop gimmick was copped by others and similar businesses opened everywhere. The golden balls were used by everyone as a trademark to cash in on the Medici reputation. A pawnbroker used to be called "my uncle". Some people who were on the financial shorts were sensitive about admitting they had to hock a family heirloom. They pretended the shower of silver had come from the pouch of a wealthy uncle. Con men once used pawn shops as a penny ante way of making a buck. A sharp cat would pad to a bank and exchange a couple of green ones for a two-dollar bill. Then he'd take the two dollar bill to a pawnbroker who, thinking the customer was off his noodle, lent him $1.50 on the money and gave him a pawn ticket. Next, the con operator found a victim and sold him the hock shop ticket at face value $1.50. The hustler then had three bucks. The sap who had the pawn ticket paid it off in the hock shop plus a dollar interest to get his hand on the two dollar bill. The sucker was out of pocket two dollars! The con man had made a dollar. The money lender had made a profit. Nowadays, pawnbrokers operate under strict laws, which specify rates of interest, so there's no use changing your dough into two's and going into business for yourself. Besides, it's always neat to know we have a "rich uncle" around the corner who'll happily make advances to anyone!

A LEG UP ON THE COMPETITION

Frog legs could put a kick in your love life.

{Medical researchers say they have finally found a food that doubles as an amazing love potion for men.}

(FATE Magazine - August 1997 - by Sam Ewing)

Scientists at three major universities agree that eating frog legs can cause an astonishingly large and lasting erection of the male sex organ. Dr. Thomas Eisner of Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, working with colleagues from the University of Missouri in Columbia and the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, found when they dissected frogs that the amphibians' guts were full of beetles containing large concentrations of cantharidin - commonly known as Spanish Fly. The chemical is long believed to have value as an aphrodisiac, a sexually exciting drug. The scientists warn that a diet heavy in frog legs can cause a problem called priapism - an abnormal, painful, and prolonged erection. The medical revelation explains several memorable events of priapism among French soldiers in North Africa who had feasted on frog legs. "Gorging on frog legs can lead to serious problems," Dr. Eisner says. "People consuming 200 to 400 grams of frog legs laden with Spanish Fly in one meal could risk death from cantharidin poisoning," he said. Frog legs is a popular dish in France and may contribute to the long-held reputation of French men as great lovers. The medical scientists didn't report on the sexual behavior of the beetle-fed frogs. Throughout history, man has searched for some magical food or drink that will help his love-making keep up with his sexual appetite. Recipes for aphrodisiacs date back to the priests of ancient Egypt of 2000 B.C. and to the sages of India and China. Powdered rhinoceros horn is one exotic love potion of ancient times that has survived to this day. The powder is made into a soup that supposedly fires the male libido. A prime ingredient in love potions by so-called witches in the Middle Ages were the "small stones" from the heads of tuna, red mullet, perch, and squid. From it men are believed to have enjoyed more stamina. In the Arab culture, honey, eggs, and nuts are eaten heartily by males who wish to try harder. A diet of radishes, mixed with onions and garlic, is the standby of many Greek playboys. However, a powerful breath spray is recommended as a chaser.

 

 

Java Jive

{Catholic Digest - February 1997}

Coffee breaks have been popular for hundreds of years. Ever since the 15th century, when a monarch reportedly ordered his doctors executed because they advised him to stop drinking coffee, bizarre, exciting, and humorous tales have been connected with the brew.

* Arab travelers originated coffee breaks around A.D. 700. They were the first to appreciate coffee's flavor and stimulating effect.

* Coffee seeds were transported by camel from Kaffa in Ethiopia to southern Arabia, where the first commercial tree was cultivated.

* Selim I, a Turkish sultan, loved the brew. And it was he who, in 1493, ordered the execution of two palace doctors because they advised him to stop drinking coffee.

* Franz Georg Kolshitsky, a Polish adventurer, was the first to serve coffee with sugar and milk. In his Vienna coffeehouse in 1683, Kolshitsky created a style of coffee he called "Viennese", straining it to produce a clear liquid without grounds.

* In 1652, the English king Charles II got very steamed. He sent soldiers to destroy the popular coffeehouses where he considered the conversations among patrons too political.

* French author and philosopher Voltaire, in 1736, drank everybody under the table. A man who loved his coffee beans, he swallowed 70 cups of coffee a day! * Frederick the Great, king of Prussia, always insisted that his coffee be brewed with champagne instead of water.

* Catherine the Great drank five cups of coffee with her breakfast every morning. Her morning nips were brewed with a full pound!

* American pioneer Daniel Boone stopped trailblazing for an hour each day to brew coffee. Frontierspeople never saw Daniel without his pot and bag of beans.

* A taste for coffee played a part in the troubled life of Edgar Allan Poe, who was very poor. When he could not afford coffee, Poe and his wife picked dandelions and boiled the roots as a substitute. * And finally, coffee may be good for the heart. No, not that heart. A survey in the '70s revealed that more than 10,000 marriages annually were directly traceable to romances that began during coffee breaks. As the popularity of expresso bars and cafes continues to rise, social and intellectual discourse - and romance, too - are likely to make big gains.

 

The Destiny In Your Name

{FATE Magazine, April 1991}

The names we give our children - and keep for ourselves - can determine their future success, or failure, as well as our own success or failure. Extensive research at both Harvard and Loyola Universities reveal that a child's self-confidence is sharply affected by his or her given name. Kids named John, Mary, Robert and Linda are usually more popular and perform better in school than children with less common names such as Bruno, Boris, Priscilla and Vivian. Harvard psychologist Robert Rosenthal, reporting on the ABC-TV program FYI, says a name can influence a child's ability as early as kindergarten. Youngsters with nicknames appear better adjusted, he says. They think of such nicknames as Scooter, Skip, Candy, Buddy, Chickadee and Snookie as a sign of affection. Onomatologists - those people who specialize in the science of names - claim that Albert, Harry and Frank, although among the 18 most common names, are the least liked. Similarly, Mildred is singled out as the name most disliked by women. Surprisingly, Social Security records show that the name ranks among the top 10 of widely used names by women.

NAMES=PERSONALITY - Certain names carry personality traits that rub off on kids. The name explainers say that Huberts are supposed to be happy, rollicking, jovial fellows. This theory would seem to aptly apply to the late Senator Hubert Humphrey of Minnesota who made a strong bid for the U.S. Presidency and was a very outgoing, popular person. The name Katie is "spirited"; Percy is considered "weak"; Bill is "dependable"; Bertha is thought of as a "fat" name; John is "solid". According to studies, a 'Jr." scores lower than a man with Roman numerals after his name, like William Stone III. Individuals with odd or outlandish first names frequently suffer behavioral problems. Oswald, Ezra and Durwood for males and Princess, Tulip and Valentine are no-nos for females. You wouldn't want a son to go through life as Fig Newton, Mickey Mass or Meyer Meyer, or a daughter as Barbie Dahl, Penny Penny or Melody Lane. Nabakov cleverly chose an appropriate name of the unfortunate character, Humbert Humbert, in his novel Lolita. Rhyming names are taboo as well. Avoid such rhymes as Nancy Clancy, Lloyd Boyd, Betty Letty, Leeland Beeland. And even though he's going to be the last child in the family, don't name him "The Last" as Southern parents of The Last Brown did.

CHANGE YOUR NAME FOR SUCCESS - The real name of the German-born Dr. Kissinger is Heinz, which he quickly changed to Henry, one of the more popular names, to improve his political image. During his career in Soviet Russia, Vladimer Ilyich Klyanov employed at least 151 pseudonyms. The best known was Lenin. Stalin came into the world as Yossf Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili. And Adolf Schicklgruber became Adolf Hitler. American Indians changed their names to gain fame in the Old West. Terrorist warrior Crazy Horse started out as "Curly", and Sitting Bull, the Sioux chief who defeated General George Custer's forces at the Little Big Horn, began life as "Jumping Badger".

HOLLYWOOD NAMES THAT HAVE BEEN CHANGED - Some of Hollywood's biggest stars changed their names, which clearly helped them climb the ladder to success. For example, the dance team of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers probably wouldn't have had the romantic appeal if they had used their real names: Frederick Austerlitz and Virginia McMath. The name Walter Matasschanskayaky certainly wouldn't fit as neatly on a movie marquee as Walter Matthau. The singing and dancing star preferred Mitzi Gaynor to Francesca Mitzi von Gerber. Talk show host Larry King was born Larry Zieger and Kirk Douglas was Issur Danielovitch Demsky. And of course, would you have believed a big, macho Western star named Marion Morrison? Perhaps that's why he changed his name to John Wayne.

SELECTING NAMES - These days a variety of names are flowing from the Old World - Tanis, Duff, Carlin, Cavan and Priscilla - to Biblical choices - Joshua, Jacob, Daniel, Noah and Rachel. The keys to selecting a baby's name are threefold, according to behavioral scientists: 1. Think of the long-range effect the name will have on the child. 2. Be sure the name can be spelled and pronounced easily. 3. Consider what nickname might be made of the name, or initials, whether it rhymes with anything embarrassing, or whether a name that's cute at two or three, like little Rambo or Rosebud, will be ridiculous at age 21. As a final thought: The most common name in the world isn't John or Wong. It's Muhammad.

 

Tax Headaches From The Year One -

{Elks magazine, March 1991; condensed and reprinted by Catholic Digest, April 1997}

If you think that taxation with representation is a Gargantuan headache these days, just consider how rough taxation without representation used to be. People have been taxed since prehistoric times, say some scholars. They believe that early man was forced to surrender a high percentage of both the meat and animal skins from his hunting to a primitive tribal chief. The latter claimed such tribute because he was the strongest, and probably the meanest, member of the community. Woe betide the rebellious one who refused to share his goods with the greedy chief. A skull fracture was his reward. What's more, all of his belongings, including his womenfolk, were then taken by the tribal tyrant.

History records taxation terrors of ancient Egypt. The paintings on the wall of an Egyptian tomb, which more than 4,000 years ago belonged to a family of officials who collected money for the mighty Pharaoh Cheops, tell a grim story. They depict a tax collector holding one unfortunate culprit by the scruff of the neck and beating him to force him to dig deeper into his loincloth. The taxpayer's agonized face peers out from the wall of the tomb in warning to those who dare fight the system. Everyone paid, no exceptions. Although money was not used in that long-ago era, peasants were expected to dedicate time, foodstuff or wine to the pharaoh. Obviously, not everybody agreed with the practice and, as the tomb paintings reveal, pharaonic justice was heavy handed. If a peasant was short a few bushels of grain assessed by the pharaoh, his oxen were confiscated by the government tax gatherer. If he was short considerably more, he was flogged and one or two of his children were sold into slavery. If he could pay nothing at all, his entire family was seized. The tax gatherer, aggravated at the loss of his commission and to set an example for others, would order the peasant thrown screaming and struggling into the river Nile as a meal for alligators.

The tax systems of ancient Persia, Babylonia, Greece and Rome were equally unfair. Taxes were levied heaviest on peasants and small landlords (sound familiar?) and usually amounted to one-third to one-half of the total income of that cowed citizenry. Tax evaders were sold as slaves by the thousands. One Greek philosopher was banished forever from his homeland when he stated publicly, "Taxation is the most common means adopted by this government to prevent its citizens from hoarding." The luckless inhabitants of the town of Dubalhati in sixteenth century India were so poor that even the most heartless tax collectors could find nothing to take from them. When the ruling monarch, Emperor Akhar, was told of this nonpaying community, he frowned and asked if anything at all - no matter how worthless - was produced there. A fact-finding committee journeyed to Dubalhati. This group determined that the polluted river adjoining the town swarmed with a peculiar breed of inedible fish. Hearing this, the emperor immediately decreed that the town be levied a tax of 20,000 fish per year. For the next two centuries, just before the tax deadline the entire population of the poverty-stricken town turned out to assemble a smelly, wriggling, writhing, slithering mass of worthless fish. This gigantic mass was transported to the Imperial Treasury in Delhi where the tax collector and his assistants, holding their noses, had to count them - and destroy them.

The cataclysmic political and social upheaval of the French Revolution, extending from 1789 to 1799, was generated by a vast number of causes, central among which was exhorbitant taxation of the peasantry. Marie Antoinette, Queen of French, wife of Louis XVI, was extravagant to the point of bankrupting the country. To keep the free-spending Queen in boundless luxuries, companies of King's men rode through the countryside stripping citizens of money and property. A tale is told of a bold innkeeper who, when ordered by a royal tax collector to "pay your taxes with a smile," replied, "I should love to, monsieur - but King Louis demands gold." For his Henny Youngman type of one-liner, the unfortunate fellow was run through with a sword.

Historically, the British have led the field in going for the last drop of taxpayer blood. During the 45-year reign of Queen Elizabeth I, going into the 17th century, the English discovered a welcome source of revenue in beards. Since whiskers were in vogue, one bright bureaucrat got the idea of heavily taxing men sporting beards of more than two weeks' growth. Soon the queen's treasury bulged with gold sovereigns extorted from subjects with hairy faces. Sidney Goff, a popular and clever writer who in spite of his sizeable income was always in debt and delinquent in paying taxes, sat one day in a barber shop waiting to have his magnificent beard trimmed. A royal tax collector entered the busy shop. No sooner did he see Goff than he angrily demanded a sum of money owed the Queen as tax on his beard. The writer quietly begged him not to make a scene. "Won't you wait for the money until my beard is trimmed and brushed?" "Certainly", said the tax man, pleased at the prospect of at last getting money from the notorious deadbeat. Goff then made the barber a witness to the agreement, and whispered further instructions. While the Queen's representative read a paper, the writer was lathered and worked over. Finally Goff stepped out of the chair. The beard had been shaved off. "As you can see," he told the flabbergasted tax man, "no beard has been trimmed and brushed. Therefore, according to our arrangement, I have no taxes to pay. Good day, my dear fellow." Goff left the shop and the frustrated tax collector behind. He went clean shaven for the rest of his days. "If beards can be taxed, why not windows?" British fund-raisers asked themselves. As a result of this question a special window tax on houses which had six or more windows was introduced in England in 1695. The peculiar assessment was not repealed until 1851. As you can imagine, the average British property owner built his home with no more than five windows. Only the wealthy had six or more.

Soap was unknown to ancient civilizations as a means of washing the body. For centuries it was used only as a cleansing agent for clothing. When at last soap found its way into the bath, it was used strictly for medical reasons, Greek physicians recommending it for the treatment of elephantitis and other diseases. During the Middle Ages, soap slowly began to evolve as a product for personal hygiene. Our old friend Elizabeth I enjoyed one bath each month, while lesser folk bathed once or twice a year, if at all. When by 1712 average people began to use soap more frequently, the product was declared a luxury by the British government and a hefty tax was put on it. A comic bit in a London music hall sketch poked fun at the tax, and it always drew guffaws and applause from the tax-weary audience. An attractive young actress said to an actor playing a cockney sailor, "Excuse me, sir, do those tattoo marks wash off?" "Can't say, me-lady," re plied. "I can't afford to take a bath. Taxes yer know." It was only through public pressure that in 1853 the government was forced to abolish this tariff on cleanliness. Great Britain, as every school-age child learns, lost its most valuable possessions because King George III insisted on enforcing taxes on such patriots as Patrick Henry, John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Paul Revere and Sam Prescott. The events that led to the American Revolution began with a tax bill, the Stamp Act, passed by the English Parliament in 1765. The act decreed that a revenue stamp was to be affixed to everything sold in America, including newspapers and legal documents. Its effect was to unite the colonists in a fury. King George's revenue agents, appointed to sell the stamps, were quite unpopular. Their homes were sacked and they were tarred and feathered by angry mobs. The last straw with colonists was a tax on tea, which brought about a boycott of British imports, the organization of a Revolutionary army, and ultimately the formation of the United States of America. Income tax was first imposed for a few years in the United States to help finance the Civil War. Then, on February 25, 1913, the federal income tax was introduced as a "temporary" measure.

As Benjamin Franklin wrote in 1789: "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes." Like wise old Ben, philosophers, humorists and comedians for centuries have turned to the subject of taxes as grist for their mill. The Greek philosopher Plato stated: "When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount." The celebrated British dramatist, critic and essayist George Bernard Shaw commented in a turn-of-the-century lecture: "I make a fortune from criticizing the polity of the government and then hand it over to the government in taxes to keep it going." Asked who hit him the hardest during his ring career, former boxing heavyweight champion Muhammed Ali replied, "That's easy - the government with their taxes.". During his past 50 years in show business entertainer Bob Hope has zinged audiences with hundreds of income-tax quips. One of Hope's most memorable: "I'm proud to pay taxes in the U.S.A. But the only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money!". Americans can still go to jail for tax evasion or the willful refusal to pay. Oddly enough, the middle-income taxpayer is in more danger of going to federal prison than the millionaire - and not just because the rich man can afford to hire the best lawyers. Judge and jury are likely to believe a multi-millionaire when he says he forgot an amount of, say, $900,000. But who's going to believe that a family earning $40,000 a year really forgot to include $5,000 in its tax return? Kids learn before they can read that there's a tax on most everything. Boys and girls now get Social Security numbers before they can walk or talk. America truly is a land of opportunity - everyone can become a taxpayer. Welcome to the club!

Bulletin Board Boffs!

by Sam Ewing (Laugh Digest, June 1970s)

Sometimes there are more laughs per square inch, usually unintentional, on community bulletin boards than you can find in pages that set out to be funny. Bulletin board humor takes a variety of laughable forms, but mostly it comes from a person's wish to be brief. I have kept a close lookout on a popular bulletin board in a busy supermarket around the corner from where I hang my natty stockingcaps, and I have enjoyed some belly-busting yocks written on scraps of papers peeking out from under those thumb tacks. Some of the notices are real eyeball-bulgers. Someone stuck this dilly up: "Housekeeping room suitable for single person sixteen feet wide by twelve feet long." I'll never know if a character fitting that unusual description ever showed. What I do know, however, is that a bunch of other folks made excellent use of the bulletin board to place the following interesting announcements: "Lost. Empty shopping bag with three canned hams in it." "A secretary aged 29 for six years seeks position." "For sale. Piano by widow with carved legs." "Lost. Bundle of letters in brown paper by young woman of interest to no one." "Sharkskin suit for sale by 52-year-old man as good as new.""Elderly lady wishes to hire two fulltime nurses who will be treated as one of the family." "Wish to locate Harry D. who was reported dead." "Lost. Umbrella in produce department by woman with whalebone ribs." "Double bed. $25.00. Best buy in town for love or money." The supermarket people got into the act themselves with a peculiar notice of their own making: "Our beverage department supplies people by the case or by the bottle." I wonder if they sold many?

Scientific Absurdvations

by Prof. Ein Beermug (aka Sam Ewing - Gem magazine, early 1980s?)

Charles Darwin's theory of evolution encourages some species of animals to become extinct. They're afraid they'll evolve into us. For years scientists have been saying you can't put more into a container than it will hold. This theory has been disproved with the wearing of tight designer jeans. A book about flower arranging always remains in better condition than one on sex. Thomas Alva Edison in 1915 invented wooly trousers and dresses for removing dog and cat hairs from sofas and chairs. The smallest testicles in the world are moth balls. Following a number of experiments, ancient Roman inventor, Aguas Neptunius discovered that you can suffer horrible hangovers from drinking plain water...when you mix it with alcohol. You cannot marinate a karate chop. Alcohol removes wrinkles and warts from the women you see in bars. A person can contract a terrible disease by French kissing a laboratory rat. Dolly Parton wasn't built in a day. Nuclear energy is produced by having a man's mate come across some other woman's panties in the back seat of his car. The Greek scientist Archimedes in 260 B.C. formulated a basic law: A body immersed in a bathrub will leave a black ring in the tub when the water is drained out. The leader of the G.E. symphony orchestra is not an electrical conductor. Liquor improves with age. The older you get, the more you like it. On the planet Mars, Hulk Hogan would weigh only 60 lbs. ***************************************************** The way I see it- the IRS must love the poor people. It's made so many of 'em. **********The way I hear it - the Women's Liberation Movement began when women got tired of dancing backwards. - Orben's Current Comedy, January 25, 1971 **********There's one four-letter word you don't hearmuch anymore - that's "cash". - Current Comedy, October l, 1968 **********This new math shocks me. In one classroom, I heard a teacher ask: "If you have one dime and steal another dime, how much money will you have?" Current Comedy, March 2, 1970 **********The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors. - CoffeeBreak, October 1987 (Sam Ewing)********** Confidence is that cocky feeling a person gets just before he knows better. - Sam Ewing, The American Legion Magazine **********A woman has a way of keeping a man from reading between the lines. She calls it make-up. - Sam Ewing, Wall Street Journal's Pepper ...and Salt (originally in the American Legion Magazine)********** Into each life some rain must fall, yes. But does it have to happen when you've left the window open? - (Sam Ewing) Changing Times the Kiplinger Magazine, July 1965**********The meek shall inherit the earth. However, odds are they won't find a place to park. While alarm clocks give some people get up and go, they cause others to get up and goof. - (Sam Ewing) Changing Times, the Kiplinger Magazine, March 1967 *********This year may even see an end to the war between the sexes. With advent of the miniskirt, the girls obviously have the men outflanked. (Sam Ewing) Changing Times, the Kiplinger Magazine January 1968

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Earl Rogers – The Real Perry Mason

Meet the real Perry Mason.

(Senior Magazine - Central Coast Edition - June 1995)

Fiction’s most-celebrated defense lawyer is actually based on the spectacular career of a brilliant attorney, Earl Rogers, who, early in the 20th century, accepted seemingly hopeless murder cases and won more than a hundred of them against overwhelming odds. Rogers’ dramatic and innovative techniques are woven into today’s TV plots and used by attorneys in courts of law.

So famous and admired was Rogers for freeing accused murderers that on one occasion a wealthy Chinese merchant came to his office and asked how much he would charge to defend him for murder. Rogers quoted a high figure. The Chinese man promptly opened a leather pouch and counted out the money in gold coins. Then he bowed and started out. “Hey!” called out Rogers. “Come back. What’s all this? Where are you going?” “I go to kill the man now,” said the Chinese.

The daring of Earl Rogers in court was at times breathtaking. He had an almost superhuman understanding of human thought, impulse and frailties. He perfected a system of jury investigation. His courtroom strategy was based largely on knowing the character and history of each prospective juror and each witness for the prosecution. A tall, theatrically-groomed figure with heavy shoulders, a slim waist, coal-black hair and electric-blue Irish eyes, Rogers was a stunning performer in front of a jury. Actor John Barrymore, a top star of that era, spent much of his spare time in the courtroom studying the lawyer’s spellbinding theatrics. In 1932 attorney and prolific author Erle Stanley Gardner was so impressed with accounts of Rogers’ fantastic cases that he created dozens of Perry Mason novels, which became films, radio, and TV programs featuring the attorney/detective. The courtroom adventures of Perry Mason have run consecutively on screens and on the air for 60 years.

The crusading attorney made his movie debut in 1934 in The Case of the Howling Dog starring Warren William, a suave, mustached actor. Later Donald Woods and Ricardo Cortez played Mason. Perry Mason became a 15-minute radio show in 1943, and came to television starring Raymond Burr on September 21, 1957. If you tuned in The Case of the Reckless Romeo on TV in which talk show host Geraldo Rivera was cast as a murder victim, you’ll remember this climactic scene: Raymond Burr, as Perry Mason, quietly said to the prosecutor’s chief witness: “Can you point out the woman you saw leaving the scene of the crime in this courtroom?” The witness immediately indicated a woman dressed in red, wearing a head scarf and dark glasses. “That’s her!” Smiling, Perry Mason then identified that person as an actress wearing clothing similar to the defendant’s. The defendant, as it turned out, was in another part of the room. Fiction? Yes. But decades ago in a Los Angeles courtroom a similar diversion had taken place. Earl Rogers was defending a man accused of stealing a horse from a German farmer. The farmer claimed he could positively identify the perpetrator.

Throughout the trial, the accused, who was dressed in worn overalls, kept nervously twirling his oddly-shaped green hat. The hat twirling appeared to annoy Rogers. Several times he spoke noticeably to his client, and the hat twirling ceased. This by-play of hat juggling was observed by the judge, the jurors, and the spectators. When Rogers cross-examined the farmer, he engaged him in a friendly conversation about crops, cattle raising and other farm and ranch subjects. Finally Rogers asked pleasantly, “Can you identify the man who stole your horse?”. “I sure can,” said the witness. “Will you please point him out if he is in this courtroom?” The farmer gazed at the defense table and said with emphasis, “That’s him – the fella with the green hat!” Rogers then identified the man with the hat as his associate, Bill Jory, a private detective. Jory, wearing overalls, had exchanged seats with the defendant, and was twirling the hat when the farmer pointed to him as a horse thief. The farmer insisted he couldn’t be mistaken. Since Rogers’ man was known to almost everyone in the room, the case was literally laughed out of court. Rogers slept very little when trying a difficult case, and he drank great amounts of whiskey, which, for many years, did not seem to affect his practice of law. His summations to some juries were so intense that often his shirt could be wrung out as though he had been swimming. For decades, attorneys, professors of law and their students, have cited the Catalina Island murder case as Rogers’ most spectacular courtroom victory.

At Avalon, the only town on Catalina, an island off the Southern California coast, three men went into a room to play poker. Two of them were socially prominent young men and the third was a professional gambler and alleged grafter known as the “Louisville Sport”. Following two gun shots, the young men came out of the room, leaving behind the dead body of the Sport. Each man accused the other of firing the fatal shots. There were no fingerprints on the gun. Rogers was engaged to represent each defendant in separate cases. In the first trial, the clever lawyer argued that his client was innocent and that actually the second man was the killer. He produced a goodly amount of circumstantial evidence. Verdict: Not Guilty. In the trial of the second man, Rogers introduced startling evidence ignored in the first trial. It pointed to the other man as the killer. Rogers again won acquittal. Since the first defendant, having been once in jeopardy, could not be legally tried again for the same crime, both men went free. To this day no one knows which of the two shot and killed the Louisville Sport. While representing a client accused of killing a business associate who had pulled a gun on him, Rogers argued that any person would react violently to such a threatening gesture, and that the killing was in self defense.

During a calm summation to the jury, Rogers’ manner suddenly underwent a Dr. Jeckyll to Mr. Hyde transition. Shouting, “I’ll kill you!” Rogers produced a Colt .45 from inside his coat and waved it about. Jurors threw themselves to the floor. Women screamed. The district attorney ducked under the prosecutor’s table. The entire courtroom was in an uproar. Bailiffs prepared to shoot Rogers who seemed to have gone berserk. Then Rogers laughed and tossed the pistol aside. After the judge had put his court back in order and admonished the defense attorney, Rogers told the badly-shaken jury that what they had participated in was the natural reaction of any intelligent person when facing death. His dramatic demonstration quickly won acquittal for his client. Time after time Rogers astonished medical experts on the witness stand with his technical questions. They couldn’t believe that a busy lawyer could acquire such a vast knowledge of medicine in his spare time.

Yet, eventually, Rogers was honored as a professor of medical jurisprudence at a California university. In The Case of the Grinning Skull , Rogers introduced the skull of a victim to prove that what appeared to be a fracture resulting from a violent blow from a blunt instrument was, in fact, the result of carelessness by the autopsy surgeon. Another accused murderer walked out as a free man. The best-known criminal lawyer of all time is Clarence Darrow, whose string of courtroom victories are legend. But Darrow, who came to be known as “The Great Defender”, himself ran into legal difficulties. Darrow was indicted for jury tampering and faced disbarment and prison. His choice of attorney was Rogers, and, as hoped, Rogers brought in his customary “not guilty” verdict. In every trial, Rogers was the hero of the play, even when he sat with Darrow at the defense table. With his giant ego, Rogers was too sure of his own ability, knowledge of law and resourcefulness to resort to any questionable legal evils, such as jury tampering or witness bribery.

The practice of civil law, where the real money was – and still is – was too dull for the super-charged Rogers. A civil suit had none of the glamour of an exciting murder trial. Rogers’ enthusiasm for criminal law was apparently contagious, for his young associate, Jerry Geisler, became in the 1940s and 1950s the No. 1 celebrity lawyer in America. Geisler, who had learned many legal strategies from the “Master”, in 1942 won an acquittal for film idol Errol Flynn when the romantic actor was tried on charges of statutory rape of two teenage girls aboard his yacht. Publicity of that well-publicized case resulted in the catch phrase, “In like Flynn”. Geisler, again using clever legal maneuvers learned from Rogers, successfully defended actress Lana Turner’s 14-year-old daughter, Cheryl, who fatally stabbed gangster Johnny Stompanato to save her mother from a vicious beating. The pressures of criminal law, sleepless nights and hard liquor eventually took their toll on Rogers.

As he approached his 50th year, he became a near-derelict wandering the streets of Los Angeles, staggering from barroom to barroom where oldtime newspaper men and legal friends kept the drinks coming. But Rogers was still to win his greatest case. Rogers’ family in desperation decided to have him committed to a state hospital for alcoholism. They claimed he was not of sound mind. Rogers was brought into court. Everything was arranged. Doctors were ready to sign commitment papers. The sympathetic judge, a family friend, was alerted and prepared to dispatch the attorney to an ambulance that was waiting outside the courthouse to transport Rogers to a mental institution. Amazingly Rogers rallied his alcohol-shattered mental forces. Quickly he nullified the testimony given by his son Bogart through a series of quick, incisive questions. Then his manner changed as his daughter Adela took the stand. When he approached his daughter, Rogers leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. Then, looking at her tenderly, he asked softly, “You don’t think I’m crazy do you, honey?” Adela burst into tears and shook her head. “No, daddy – no – you’re not crazy.” Then Rogers turned to the judge with a plea for his own liberty against what he declared bitterly was an attempt to railroad him into an insane asylum. In spite of the fact that everything had been arranged to commit him, he walked out of the court a free man. Earl Rogers died February 23, 1922 at age 52. He was reincarnated 10 years later by Earl Stanley Gardner as Perry Mason.

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Don't Look Now, But Your Toes Are Blushing

Don't be embarrassed if your face looks flush because you can't suppress a blush - hardly anyone can.

Blushing is triggered by emotions such as confusion, fear, shame and guilt, which excite the nervous system and cause

a flow of blood to redden the skin, experts explain.While a crimson face is a sure sign that a person is blushing,

the skin actually turns red over the entire body -including the toes.Only a world-wise person who thinks he's seen it all -

and has nothing to feel guilty about -has any success trying to hold back a blush, psychiatrists say.

Although animals don't blush, dogs hang their head in embarrassmentand apes cover their faces with their hands.

"Man", wrote Mark Twain, "is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

(July 25, 1989/GLOBE)

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KOOKY SCIENTISTS AT WORK

Certain goofy scientists are working on odd projects.

While their scientific pals are happily engaged in the development of rockets to conquer space, in technology, medicine, and various and means for us to live longer and be able to buy spare parts for our heads, these screwball types are plowing far-out fields.

One big brain crossed a mink with a gorilla so he could grow fur coats. The sleeves turned out too long.

Undaunted, he's attempting to cross a mink with a kangaroo to grow coats with pockets in them.

Once he succeeds in that endeavor, his future project is to develop a creature that's half cow, half mule so we'll have milk with a kick in it

.Another scientist is perfecting a ripcord for pajamas so a person can bail out of bed. In the same laboratory, a team of researchers promises a genuine robin's nest mattress.

If you roll around sleeplessly on it, it chirps and lulls you into dreamsville.The wonders of science are limitless, and if the super-thinkers overcome all handicaps, here are a few of the future miracles you may look for:

A vulcanizer that transforms rubber checks into tubeless tires.A potent new booze called "Old Factory Whistle".

One blast and you are through for the day.A new hair formula that doesn't grow curls, but shrinks your head to fit the hair you've got.A people-necked sweater for turtles.Contented chickens. They'll come without wishbones.

A follow-up to TV dinners is forecast. They'll be called Summer Re-Runs.One imaginative scientist, who loves the great outdoors, but who's not satisfied with the kind of insects and flying creatures we have now, is devising a new one.

It'll have a centipede's body, grasshopper legs, butterfly wings and a built-in mosquito motor. He'll call it his "Hum Bug". And that's exactly what I call the experiments of some of these kooky scientists!

{JOKER Magazine, Sept. ~ late '60s}

 

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THE $2 BILL
"Now You See It; Now You Don't"
{by Sam Ewing}

Today $2 bills are almost as scarce as proverbial one-armed paper hangers. You seldom get a $2 bill in change, and when you do, the chances are at least one corner of the bill has been torn off.

For one thing, the $2 bill is often mistaken for $1. To guard against such mistakes, many people snip off a corner. What's more, there's a widespread superstition against this particular currency.

Some professional gamblers believe that $2 bills carry a jinx and encourage bad luck. They quickly rip off corners of the money in hopes of getting rid of the "curse". And ordinary cash registers include no drawer space for the $2 bills.

Why was such currency issued in the first place, and why is it still in circulation? Generally speaking, it is an unpopular breed of greenback.

The $2 bill originated on June 25, 1776, when the Continental Congress authorized issuance of them as "bills of credit for the defense of America". At that time, 49,000 bills of the $2 value were printed. Colonists didn't like them and the money all but disappeared.

Along came the Civil War. Silver dollars were in general use, and the U.S. Treasury reasoned that it would be more convenient for people to handle paper money.

John Q. Public disagreed. Despite the bulk, the average person preferred so-Called "cartwheels" to paper cash. Again, $2 bills sank into obscurity.

The government reintroduced them in 1925 in pay envelopes, compensating federal employees with the $2 bills. Another futile effort! The payees exchanged them at banks quicker than you could say Thomas Jefferson, whose portrait appears on the bills. The twos returned to the Treasury in tall stacks and most of them were mutilated. You guessed it - missing corners!

After this setback, the Treasury, in another attempt to popularize the unpopular money, proposed awarding major cash prizes to "lucky" holders of bills that bore certain serial numbers. This program was immediately condemned by a shocked post office department. Bureaucrats pointed out that such a scheme constituted an illegal lottery involving "prize, chance, and consideration".

Finally, the determined Treasury Department hit the jackpot. The $2 bills, it noted happily, were the only United States currency the Nazis didn't counterfeit during World War II. A superstitious Adolf Hitler didn't like them. Consequent-ly, these bills were the only money instantly negotiable anywhere on earth during the war years.

No amount of promotion has overcome the unpopularity of the $2 greenback. When I telephoned the U.S. Treasury Department, asking if $2 were still being printed, I was referred to the office of the Secret Service.

"Darned if I know," said a puzzled agent. "Why don't you contact the Bureau of Engraving and Printing in Washington, D.C.?"

Doesn't it make you wonder if the Secret Service could recognize a counterfeit $2 bill? The last batch was issued on April 13, 1976, the anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth. And if they are hexed, be honest - wouldn't you like to own a million of them?

#{published July 1997 in GOOD OLD DAYS SPECIALS}